SAN JUAN — In response to Ricky Martin’s endorsement of Hillary "Loca" Clinton for president, today Puerto Rico’s most famous half-dog, half-reptile "goat sucker," El Chupacabra, emerged from hiding to endorse Barack Obama in the upcoming primary on that island.
"We desperately need change," hissed the 4-foot-tall cryptid, who is capable of hopping twenty meters. "America has been on the wrong track, and I think Obama is the best candidate we can field against McCain and his cabal of lobbyists."
The mythic Chupacabra first came to prominence in Puerto Rico in 1995, after eight sheep were discovered dead with pucture wounds in the chest area. MORE...
The animals were left without blood in their bodies in an act of vampirism. Later incidents on the island of a similar nature contributed to the fame of the so-called "goat sucker."
"Really, I’m just like any other patriotic American — I want Obama to end the war and give us health care," said El Chupacabra, in a hastily assembled press conference. "The only difference between me and the next guy is I engage in maulings of dogs and farm animals. And I live inside a tree stump."
The Obama campaign said there were no current plans to feature El Chupacabra at events on the island with the Senator. However, campaign flyers bearing the goat-suckers scaly likeness and the slogan "Si, Se Puede!" were distributed to islanders.
"We’ll use El Chupacabra strategically, and we appreciate his support," said a campaign representative.
Following the press event, El Chupacabra slithered into some nearby woods. Later in the day, several chickens were found dead at a local farm, drained of blood. A neighbor reported seeing a dog-like animal with a protruding spine lurking near the area.